I Found out my wife used to be an escort. "I was looking through some old computer files last week, backing up everything we had." I uncovered an old folder of hers on an old kept PC that was full of "risque" photographs, nudes, and XXX-type photos. It was undoubtedly my wife (I recognize her tattoos and figure). I also noticed another file in which she discussed the amount of her "donations," incall vs outcall.

I'm at a loss for what to do or think. When I confronted her about it, she initially tried to dismiss it as foolish youth or that it was not what I expected, but she eventually acknowledged she had worked as an escort for several years. She also acknowledged doing so when we initially started dating, but she wouldn't explain when she "stopped" working.

I'm heartbroken! We have two children, a girl, and a son, and I'm at a loss on what to do. I like this woman, but it appears that she has been harmed in some manner.

I have not stayed in the house since discovering this information; instead, I have leased an extended stay motel. Fortunately, our children are staying with their relatives for another week, so they will not be subjected to this mayhem.

I honestly don't know if I can accept my wife now; it has completely altered my perception of her and our whole relationship.

How do I get over this? My head is flooded with AWFUL thoughts.

We don't know if her sex work lasted into your marriage with her, or how long it lasted. We have no idea what type of sex job she conducted. We have no idea why your wife chose not to disclose her employment history to you. And we don't know how much of this is a breach of trust for you.

Sex work is labor. It is a highly viable job option that has existed since the beginning of time when products were traded. It is a viable professional option in the same way that any other job is. I understand that accepting this right now, in the thick of your new anguish, will be difficult. But please keep in mind that it was a career decision she made for herself at some time in her life. Respect that she took the decision for herself.

Her sex business does not make her any more traumatized than someone else's prior relationships or a skewed career history full of minimum pay jobs. And realize that this present position is causing her more harm than any of her prior sex employment.

I truly sympathize with you. Your anguish is palpable in your language. The misconception about the legitimacy of sex work, the way you feel defensive around your child despite the fact that nothing has changed in terms of your wife's past as a mother, and these pictures your brain is forming as a result of fear... I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

I know it's hard to do so right now but accept and talk about your pain. Engage in a conversation with your insecurity to discover how much of it is based on your prejudice about sex work and how much is based on the breach of trust you feel about the prior commitments you've made with your wife.

And it all comes down to agreements. One of the implicit commitments in a conventional monogamous relationship is that you would be sexually exclusive with each other. You and your partner may not have made a formal commitment to remain sexually exclusive, but that is the general assumption in monogamous relationships.

Her sex business does not make her any more traumatized than someone else's prior relationships or a skewed career history full of minimum pay jobs. And realize that this present position is causing her more harm than any of her prior sex employment.

You are not required to forgive your wife. However, you should. You want to forgive her not because she is due it, but because you just want to for your own reason. And, if you've decided to forgive, think about what this implies for your relationship in the future.

If you go a little further into your anguish, you could learn that it isn't caused by the fact that she used to do sex work. That anguish might be attributed to the fact that she was not forthcoming with this information until you uncovered that aspect of her life and continued to question her on it. Your sadness might also be the result of a mismatch between your expectations of a monogamous relationship with her and the realities of the early stages of your relationship.

You are correct. You're not going to accept your wife since she was a sham. Your wife has always been a mental image of yours. It may have been extremely near to the truth, but it is ultimately not the most accurate representation of her.

Rather than attempting to connect with the false image of your wife that you first fell in love with, it may be more useful for you to determine whether or not you can fall in love with this new version of your wife. Consider the fifteen years you've been in a relationship, twelve of which you've been married.

That version of her is as true as the one you just found. It doesn't make her any less of a mother or a wife. Simply different.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in so much agony. I'm sad for your two children, who deserve two loving parents who are having marital difficulties. I'm sorry for your extended family, who may be perplexed as to why your marriage has suddenly crumbled. Your anguish is genuine. However, it is a sign of the underlying suffering of insecurity and bewilderment. I truly hope you can find some space in the midst of this upheaval to heal, breathe, and learn to assess her entire background against the background of her otherwise issue relationship with you.

Best wishes.