August 9, 2022
Est. Reading: 4 minutes

Been going out with my boyfriend for over 4 years but he hates my best friend what can I do?

There are certain people in your life with whom you genuinely wish to be friends. While much emphasis is placed on your partner getting along with your family—and you getting along with your partner's family—another critical dynamic that is frequently overlooked is the relationship between your partner and your best friend. They are frequently the two most important people in your life, and as such, you naturally want them to get along—you probably want them to get along like a house on fire. However, this is not always the case.

There are numerous complications when it comes to your partner and your best friend getting along. There is a good chance that your best friend has been around much longer than your partner—even if you are married or have children together. And this can occasionally result in tension. Your partner may feel threatened or simply dislike this person you've known for years.

However, what if your partner does not approve of your best friend? To be sure, it's all about identifying the source of the resentment. What you need to know is as follows.

The truth is that not everyone you love and adore will necessarily love and adore each other—and that's perfectly fine. You need them to be respectful and receptive, but you don't need your partner and best friend to become BFFs—if they're just a little lukewarm toward one another, that's fine. However, pay attention to your partner's response to your friend and determine whether the issue is truly one of disliking them. If your partner perceives a threat from your best friend, it is possible that he or she is dealing with deeper issues—and is overly possessive of you. If you have a sense that this is the case, then there is a deeper relationship issue at hand.

How are you to know? If your partner isn't smitten with your best friend, they're likely to appear apathetic or, at the very least, irritated or frustrated by them. If they react more strongly—if they become enraged at you for spending time with them, if they are actively rude to you—then this is extremely telling. If this is the case, it reveals a great deal about your partner—and you may need to have a more in-depth discussion about your relationship, independence, and respect.

The most rewarding friendships are complicated. You may fall in love one minute, drive each other insane the next, and then reconcile without blinking. Perhaps you've been at odds for weeks, or perhaps they've truly let you down. When attempting to comprehend your partner's point of view, keep all of these nuances and complications in mind. It's extremely difficult to watch someone mistreat someone you care about, and even if you don't hold a grudge, your partner has probably overheard you vent about being upset or hurt by your best friend on occasion. They frequently hear more of the difficult parts than the pleasant ones—so it's understandable that they'd be a little irritable or bristly with this person.

Rather than constantly venting, demonstrate to your partner why you adore your best friend.

On that note, it's sometimes worthwhile to speak with your best friend about the situation as well—even if you believe they've done nothing wrong. I was completely the standoffish best friend—and it took my friend explaining to me that their partner is a little shy or awkward to snap me out of it. If your partner has a hard time opening up to people in general, speaking with your best friend and asking them to go the extra mile can help.

Establish Some Ground Rules for Your Time Together

Even if your partner dislikes your best friend, their priority should be to be a good partner to you—which includes spending time with your bestie within reason. That is not to say you should expect them to hang out constantly and start inviting your partners to girls' nights (that would be weird), but you should be able to articulate to your partner why it is critical for them to get along. And, truly, your partner should be cognizant of this.

Perhaps your couple friends meet once a month, perhaps you want them to attend a friends' trip, or perhaps it's simply a matter of being polite and asking them a few questions when they run into each other at a party. Communicate with your partner and attempt to determine how they can make your life easier without making them feel uncomfortable. You should be able to strike a balance.

In an ideal world, your partner and best friend would click instantly, and the three of you would be able to run off into the sunset—but that is so rarely the case. Determine whether your partner is simply being shy or is not on the same page with your best friend—or whether they are intimidated by your intimacy with your best friend and there are some control issues at play. As long as it is an innocent case of incompatibility, you should be able to communicate with your partner and reach an agreement. They do not have to be best friends with you, but they must be good partners to you—which means being polite and welcoming when you require it.

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